The VelociPastor: When a Priest Takes Down Ninjas... With His Teeth

Priests turning into dinosaurs and fighting ninjas. What more could you want? Actually, yes, you need to read this review to find out why watching this might be the best bad idea of your life.

Priests and Dinosaurs: Two Worlds Apart? Not Anymore!

So, here you are, ready to find out what happens when a movie decides to mix the Bible, dinosaurs, and ninjas in an orgy of cinematic absurdity. The VelociPastor is the kind of film that, just by its title, makes you wonder if your internet connection is trying to sabotage you. But trust me, it’s real. And yes, it tells the story of a priest who, after a personal tragedy, finds a way to turn into a dinosaur (a raptor, to be exact) and decides to fight crime. Because doing good with love and faith was too mainstream. And we’re not talking about sophisticated super-criminals. Nope, we’re talking ninjas! Just like that. Oh, and there’s a prostitute with a heart of gold. Confused? So are we.

Special effects? No, thanks. Let’s go with papier-mâché!

What makes The VelociPastor a little gem of trash cinema isn’t just the genius (or madness, depending on your view) idea of making a priest turn into a dinosaur, but how the whole thing is done with a complete disregard for aesthetics, logic, and, let’s face it, cinema. The special effects? Well, calling them “special” is a stretch. This is more like 90s school play territory, with papier-mâché dinosaurs that look like they’ve crawled out of Jurassic Park’s worst nightmare. But if you’ve made it this far, I guess you’ve realized that The VelociPastor isn’t aiming for an Oscar. It’s aiming straight for the heart of trash, with dialogues that challenge your intelligence and a plot that could have been scribbled on a napkin during a bar night. All wrapped up with ninjas in black tights who seem to have escaped from a failed costume party.

The plot nobody asked for, but everyone deserves.

Without spoilers (although, trust me, there isn’t much to spoil), The VelociPastor follows the adventures of Doug, a priest who, after losing his parents in an accident, heads to China in search of… something. It’s unclear what. What he does find, however, is an ancient artifact that gives him the power to turn into a dinosaur. Back home, Doug, in a crisis of faith and slightly perplexed by the fact he can become a giant raptor, decides to use his "gift" to fight crime. And who are the bad guys? Obviously, ninjas. Along the way, Doug meets Carol, a prostitute who convinces him that killing ninjas is a great way to do good. And so, with severed limbs, improbable dialogues, and jokes that not even the actors laugh at, Doug begins his mission to clean up the city. Flawless plan, right?

A serious analysis of a film that isn’t serious at all.

From a cinematic perspective, it’s hard to say that The VelociPastor excels in direction, cinematography, or special effects. The transformation scenes look like they were shot by a group of teenagers with a GoPro, and the quality of the visual effects makes Ed Wood’s movies look like Hollywood productions. And yet, there’s a certain brilliance in the total lack of effort that permeates every scene. The narrative is linear, which is quite surprising for a film with dinosaurs and ninjas. The film’s structure is intentionally simple, almost as if not wanting to distract the viewer from the madness on screen. The costumes? Well, a priest in a cassock and a rubber dinosaur don’t exactly require the skills of a professional tailor. But maybe that’s the point: to create a product that embraces trash with such conviction that it becomes irresistible. Is the film based on a book? No, thankfully, and you can see why.